The first paradox

On Wednesday Gretchen Rubin of the Happiness Project postedNine Paradoxes to Contemplate as You Consider Your Happiness Project. I have been considering them and each one has some interesting implications or is quite foundational to the process of personnel growth. This will be the first in a serves where I explore each of the 9 paradoxes in detail so without further delay let's get started.

Accept myself, but expect more of myself.

When we put our feet open the path of person growth and development we cannot just dive in and start changing things. Doing this would be akin to buying a home to fix up and the next day walking in with a sledgehammer and smashing out walls without any concern for whether they are load bearing or not. If we do not first survey the territory of our lives and begin to understand what works and what does not then all the change is nothing more than random tinkering. We may get lucky and something might work but we still will not know why it worked.

Once we have an honest understanding of why we do what we do, knowledge of our victories and defeats we have to accept these as being true. Even if we know something but routinely deny its validity because we find the truth embarrassing or perhaps to insightful, we wind up pushing on a door that says to pull. Once we do except the truth we have a road map that will show us what we must work on, what strengths we must maintain as well as what weaknesses we need to work on.

This brings us to the second half of the paradox. Once we have accepted who we are and what we need to work on we can focus our growth, expecting more were we know it can be found. When we expect more of our selves we and deliver on that promise we build confidence and momentum. But more importantly when we expect more from ourselves we hold each of our actions to a higher standard and this does not affect only us. When we live up to this higher we become an example to others and a silent encouragement to change.

Comfort for the comforter

Last night had the opportunity to watch a short documentary "Home is where you find it." It tells the story of Alcides Soares, young man living in Mozambique in his own words and his own images. This young man is only 16 and has been orphaned by AIDS, his family separated, one brother he has not seen in ten years. The film is a chronicles of his reunion with his brother and the support he gives his sister and the woman who took him in. there is so much that I could talk about based on this movie, the need for compassion, the strength of spirit, how to be thankful and be happy when you can. All of these are important things to understand but the one moment that truly called out to me in the film was a series of three shots.

In the first shot Alcides talks with is sister asking her what she wants. She tells him that she wants to be a family again, to have her little brother back with them and she starts to cry. Like a good brother Alcides puts an arm around her and comforts her saying don't cry don't cry. The second shot is Alcides's 'grandmother' the old woman he lives with, talking about how she would like to find his brother and have him live with them but she does not know how. She too begins to cry and again Alcides is there to comfort. The last shot of the sequence Alcides talks to the camera about how proud he is of his father, and how his father fought for the family. He begins to cry but there is no one there to comfort him.

How does this relate to our personal growth and development? We all have structures of reactions that we use in different situations, a way we react under stress, a way we deal with hardship and loss, a way we deal with joy. When we are constantly under stress we will put on a brave face and deal with what comes at us. This reaction is a lot like Alcides and his family, it comforts others, it tells others to be strong that things will be all right. In this sense the others are the worries and nagging doubts that threaten to disrupt our lives. We need to take time, when things are quite and when this part of ourselves does not have to be on guard to let it relax. This does not mean letting the worries take hold but instead letting the stress out whether in exercise or tears or laughter.

When we hold this stress in it eats away at us. We become cranky we become irritable and we can no longer bear the burdens that are required of us. The key here is making sure we let the stress out willingly, and in a controlled and constructive way.

The African Millennium Foundation is working with AIDs orphans in Mozambique to build a home of their own. If there is anything you can do to help please do, these are good people doing a great thing.

Reflections

Well here we are we have made it to the 100^th post. It is definitely a mile stone of sorts and a rather surprising achievement in how quickly it seems to have snuck up on me. I am going to take this opportunity to muse about the blog and its effect on my life so far.

Since I have committed to writing these five days a week the blog has been a source of structure in my life. It gives me a place to start each day and rededicate my commitment to my own growth. Even when the topics I choose to talk about do not seem to be personnel in nature the very act of writing them is a meditation for me. As I am writing this I feel the gears shifting as all this reflection on the blog makes me give some thought to reflection in general.

Why is it that it takes nice round numbers or obviously important incidents to make us reflect on our lives? Reflection is part of the growth process were we take the time to look back and see how we have changed and the struggles we have overcome. It is that top of the mountain moment were we look out at our lives and see all we have accomplished as well as looking at what comes next.

This is not looking back and dredging up old horrors, or dwelling on failures. Instead it should be an affirmation of accomplishments and a search for lessons in our recent actions. Whether we succeed or fail in what we set out to do it is important we understand why things happened the way they did and use that information to guide our journey back to the path we wish it to take.

Taking time to reflect on should be part of our daily lives and is something I need to work on. I think I will set aside a few minutes at the end of each day to take stock and reflect on what I could do better as well as what I did well. I will let you know how this goes. What are your thoughts on reflection? Let me know and have a great day.