Embracing uncertainty

So this is another one of those posts were I am going to talk about gaming and what it has taught me. As a game master you take time to create a story made up of a series of encounters that will be fun and challenging for your players to work their way trough. These encounters are connected by a plot, as well as a system of rules that govern how the players and the challenges interact with each other. As anyone who has run a RPG will tell you players are unpredictable creatures. You build a trap with one way out, maybe the party has to solve a puzzle to disarm it. Instead the players will find a way to blow a whole it the wall. Where is all this going you ask? Stick around and you will see.

Life is uncertain. We do not know what will happen from one hour to the next, what news we will get when the phone rings or if the lottery ticket we just bought is a winner. Uncertainty can be unsettling. It makes us feel uncomfortable and nervous so we need to find a way to deal with it. To minimize the fear that can come from uncertainty we need to learn to embrace it. When we accept uncertainty and plan for it, it allows us to react quickly to surprises. This gives us courage to deal with the changing situation and helps us control where we go next.

As I said before when I am game mastering I am trying to share a story with my players. They however have a huge influence on that story; they make the choice of where they will go, what they will do and how they will do it. This means that while I have a plan it is uncertain what will happen I have to plan for as many of their decisions as I can think of. Will they attack the wizard in his home, will they wait and try to break in when he is not there. Will they sit around and keep doing research. Once they make there decision I have maybe a minute to shift gears and react otherwise play slows down. So I have to embrace the uncertainty by planning for the outcome I can see. Let's take this in to the real world.

When we come upon any encounter in life we have two options we overcome it or it overcomes us. There may be grey areas in-between, partial successes, for example: maybe the lottery ticket is only a $10 winner. Before we enter the encounter we have to know how we will deal with each of these conditions. This does not mean sitting down and writing out a detailed plan on paper about what happens if we get the job, what happens if we do not but we do have to have a general idea of our next move.

By taking the uncertainty of each of life's encounters in to account we can reduce the paralyzing effects of fear and changing situations. We can react quickly and most importantly we can stay on track.

Today the Editing project continues: In the Beginning

The building blocks of personal development

There are a lot of skills and techniques talked about when it comes to personal development. I think below all of the different methods of growth is a basic tool kit of traits that we use no matter the method. Each of these elements can be grown and built up and once you or I become strong in these areas the factors of our life that made us wish to change in the first place will be easier to deal with. When we combine these with a road map of goals and dreams our lives will be transformed, not suddenly and miraculously but over time the hard work will pay off.

Confidence: Without confidence in ourselves and in the tools we are using for personnel growth we can find it easier to doubt and give up on the tasks we set for ourselves. Self confidence also creates an attitude of presupposed success which can be very useful for keeping us motivated. Even if confidence is an area you struggle with by simply focusing on doing things you know you will be successful at you can build it. Each success you have in your day is another brick to add to the foundation of confidence.

Honesty: When we look at ourselves we need to admit the problems we are having honestly. When we hide the real issues we are dealing with from our selves we never get a chance to work on what the problem. At best we are only treating the symptoms. We also need to be honest about the factors that contribute to our successes, sometimes from a lack of confidents we tend to give the praise to others when we are deserving of that praise. Be honest about victories and failures and use them to learn.

Willingness: We must be willing to change. If we are just paying lip service to the ideas that personnel development is good for us but willing to make sacrifices or do hard work nothing will change. When we decide that we are going to grow and change then we stop being self defeating, we stop sabotaging ourselves and the work becomes much easier.

Perseverance: The power to keep going
when the going gets tough. Perseverance keeps us going; it is the stubborn mule that will not stop until it reaches the top of the hill. It also keeps us from failing, as long as we are willing to keep trying to do something we have not failed.

Willpower: This is the resistance to the things that would pull us down. Willpower can keep us from being diverted from our course of growth and change. If perseverance is the mule willpower is the reins keeping you on track and heading in the right direction.

Wisdom: The ability to discern what is good for us and the world and what is detrimental. Wisdom comes with experience; from learning from our successes and failures.

Victories and Struggles

Sometimes the only thing we have to hold us together and keep us on track is our determination and will power. I know that is how it has been for me the last week. However having survived the week and won the field with nothing more than determination I will say this for its difficulty the victory is sweeter. While this is not a new lesson for me, it is yet another thing I learned from Role Playing Games it is something that it is good to be reminded of.

When we struggle and work for something that increases the value of it to us. Or put another way it focuses on the things that truly have value. The amount of hardship we are willing to endure to achive a desired outcome is based in how badly we want it. Common scents right? But here is the thing when we start to see the road become difficult we have one of two reactions we press on or we start a propaganda campaign.

The propaganda campaign has one target: ourselves. We create reasons why we don't want something we down play its value and we convince ourselves that it is not as great as we had hoped it would be. What we are really doing is making excuses to ourselves so we will not feel defeated when we give in and quit. Like a dog getting ready to lie down we walk in circles contemplating the ground we are on and make a place where all grass of desire is trampled flat. In this little nest of self deception we can stop trying to achieve something without feeling bad, the object of our desire not achieved but the desire its self disposed of.

The hard work will pay off as long as we do not give up and do not stop trying to achieve what we want. Some days the road may seem blocked and the weather stormy. But as we find the right tools and put in the effort the sky clears and stone by stone the road block is dismantled, or the goats well move on. We can achieve anything we do not give up on.

That said there is a wisdom in knowing when to quit, knowing when the effort to achieve something is more then what the object is worth. Unyielding determination can lead to obsession; this is why it is important to keep our goals reasonable and realistic. When we set a goal so far beyond our grasp we do damage to our selves, we create a situation where we will not taste victory and the long hard road of growth and achievement becomes a never ending hamster wheel of drudgery.

The Dangers of Optimism Desire and Excitement

So last night I was sitting here brain fried from a good day of school and too much studying and decided to do some random web surfing. With a bit of synchronicity reality decided to validate my point from yesterday by showing me this video and instantly providing inspiration from it. For those of you who can't get to the video it is just a silly little shot of a cat getting its head stuck in an ice cream container and in some ways aren't we all like that cat. We see things we like and we dive in trying to get everything we can out of an idea or opportunity without really looking at the dangers it may poss.

We tend to be blinded by three things when we start on a new project: optimism, desire, and excitement. These three are all good to have to a degree but when they overrule our rational thought and damage our decision making process then we find ourselves in trouble, in over our head and just plain stuck. Let's take a look at each of these ideas and see how to harness them while avoiding the blinding glare of their bright light.

Optimism: When we start a new project all we can see is the way it will succeed, this is so true that American culture has proverb after proverb that deal with this. We are told "do not count your chickens before they hatch" or maybe "Look before you leap". The one that holds the key to not letting over optimism ruin the goal is "Hope for the best plan for the worst." If we do not look at the things that could go wrong at the outset of a new venture we will never see the rewards that can be gained. A strong conviction that successes is inevitable is a powerful tool and can definitely see us through the dark times when a project bogs down but it must be tempered by a complete understanding of the perils and pitfalls that face the project.

Desire: Even more then optimism folk wisdom warns us against unchecked desire. "A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush." "All that glitters is not gold." When we see what we want and rush headlong in to its arms we may find that it is not an old lover returned from afar but a stranger that may react cruelly to our sudden exuberance. We see what we want and we go for it but we must be honest with our self is what we are feeling truly love or lust. Lust burns hot and quick with a desire more potent then love as the first sparks take hold. However those fears passionate flames die out quickly leaving nothing more than ashes behind. Love on the other hand stays the fire burns on and on keeping us warm through long winter nights and cooking our food in the summer. When we dive headfirst in to something new we find ourselves stuck with the trappings or consequences of our actions much like a young woman who finds herself pregnant after a one night stand. In deed we must take the time to date the idea, the item, the plan in order to get to know if it is love or lust before we commit or hart to an idea.

Excitement: When we discover something that makes our hart sing we want to build it it up, increases scope, make it something even more wonderful then it already is. This is true whether it is an idea or a project or something we have created. We work on the project then put it down then think wait what if I do this it will be even better. This excitement can distract us from the other necessary tasks in our life and make a simple thing become an incompressible mess. We must be willing to set aside our excitement, our reckless energy and step away from what we are working on, both to look at it from the outside and so as not to overwork it. This is one of the cycle of failure I have in my life: have an idea, work on it polish it get it ready for production, add another layer to it, add yet another layer, tinker with it and when I am done I have something to unwieldy to even work with.

There is one other key bit of inspiration that I took from the video and it comes near the end. The gray cat has been struggling with the ice cream carton on its head and has all but given up. It sits down and raises one half hearted paw to try and swipe at the problem one last time and then something happens. A second cat shows up and taps the first on the shoulder and just like that the container falls from its face. Some times when we let our ideas grow too big or we rush in without thinking all we need is a friend to tap us on the shoulder and say is that really such a good idea. It is important to seek the council of those we trust before we start a new endeavor or give our hart away to a new idea.

Create a network of support

It seems I have been talking a lot this week about not giving up, but I am not the only one. Over at wise bread I was reading an article by Sarah Winfrey on just that topic and it got me thinking about how we so often shoulder the troubles in our life alone. I know this especially true for me, I do not so much suffer from a fear of failing as a fear of other people seeing me fail. When things get rough in my life I don't let on and try to just keep the surface calm so no one will see the turbulence bellow.

This is not the right way to deal with hardships and troubles. The energy and effort we put in to looking like everything is fine just drains the energy we have to actual fix the problem. When we keep our problems to our selves, no matter how good we are at it our close friends and family will see that something is wrong. By not sharing our burdens with them we shut them out and cause them pain even if they are not aware of it on a conscious level.

When trouble comes calling we need to realize that we do have a support network in place. There are people who care about us and will most likely help us in any way they can. When a friend of ours listens to our problem and tells us they know we can handle it or that we will get through this together we become stronger. The knowledge that someone else has faith in us even when we doubt ourselves can be enough to keep us going and not to give up hope.

So how do we develop the network of support in our lives?

The most powerful way is to be there for others. Is there someone you care about that is going through some hard times? Let them know you are willing to listen. When we show we are there to listen and help we create a stronger bond with those around us and they will naturally become more concerned with our own well being.

Don't be afraid to show the pain. We are confronted every day with the question how are you? We get it at the grocery store, we get it from friends: we here all the time. So often we just respond without thinking and say fine, doing good, or OK. sometimes we need to be honest about how we feel, now I am not saying you should heap your problems on the waiter when you go out for dinner tonight but when a friends asks how are you doing give them an honest answer, and expect one in return. I used to work with a young lady who took this idea very seriously. When people came to work she would always ask them "how are you doing?" She would watch as they answered and if she did not believe there fine or OK, she would ask again "how are you really doing?" She got a lot of people to open up and I suspect that many shifts ran smother because of that one question.

The other important element of a network of support is to share the good times as well. When we have a victory in our lives and we want to celebrate it. This is the time to bring along those people you love and care about. When all we talk about is the hardship we are going through that weakens the bonds of friendship as much as only sharing a glossy, superficial version of our lives with them. We have to do more than just bring our baggage when we talk to our friends, we need to take them on the cruise with us as well.

So remember you are not going through your troubles alone. There are people out there who care about you and want the best for you. Help when you can and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it. As always I welcome your thoughts in the comments section and if you know someone who needs to hear what I am saying send them a link. Have a great day and a wonderful weekend.

The hard truths of self improvement

Self improvement, personnel growth or finding your place in the world whatever you call it there are some hard truths we must face when we strive to make conscious changes in our lives. These hard truths force us to question our goals and to push aside the things we want for ourselves. They make us stop and question if the effort is worth it and can cause us to never begin the processes of change in the first place. In our journey to who we want to be these are the fallen trees in out path. By being aware of the obstacles in our way we can make a plan for dealing with them.

Hard truth #1: Change takes time. This is a simple thing to say but easy to forget. We are so encultured to want things to happen now and receive instant gratification. Because of this when our efforts do not show immediate results it is easy to discard the work we have done. We say to ourselves that what we are doing is not working and start trying something else. After trying three or four different things without results we give up feeling that we can't change and that we will always be the way we are.

When you feel this way remember, instant gratification is for candy bars and one night stands. These small bursts of instant pleasure come with consequence that far outweigh the moment of passion. Personnel growth is hard work and hard work takes time. There is no way around it so we must acknowledge the fact and make the effort to change.

Hard truth #2: We fear failing. It is often the threat of failure that stops us from even beginning to change. We may want to, we may need to but if we fear failure more then we value success we will not start. When we fail it reinforces the negative aspects of our own self image. Failure will happen to us all at one point or another important thing is to let it be a stumble rather than a fatal fall. Over at studdy hackes Cal Newport has some thoughts about keeping an exercise routine going but his ideas can be put to any area of self improvement.

But when we mess up and miss some days — which is inevitable — things snowball. Our short-term self argues with our long-term self that because we’ve messed up a little bit, it’s game over, and we can now default to eating poorly and stop exercising altogether.

Hard truth #3: We doubt ourselves. We wonder if the goals we have set for ourselves are relay the life we want. We worry that we will not be able to handle the success we are trying to achieve. The only way to overcome this doubt is to be honest with our selves. Have we chosen a path that is true to our values, dreams, commitments and passions? If we have then we will be happy when we arrive at the end of our journey. If we do the hard work of personnel growth with open eyes and an honest look at our own faults and weakness we will be able to handle the success we are striving for.

These hard truths cannot be ignored if we want to succeed in our search for self improvement. When you are confronted with a difficult situation how do you react? What are the hard truths you face in your quest for personnel growth?

Reclaiming the battle field

In all our lives we have suffered failures that have left our self image laying limp and lifeless on the muddy battlefield. Sometimes the scars of these battles have become the seeds of low self confidences or shyness or another defeatist attitude. No matter what the attitude is it will hamper our growth and stops us from living the life we want. Today we are going to talk about going back and gaining victories on that battlefield, taking back what has been taken from us and using that energy to reclaim the life we want.

Before we go any farther I want to make it clear this is not a fix for every problem and every failure in your life. As tools go this one is more of a hammer then it a multi tool. It will do one thing and do it well so it is up to you to know when to use it.

As I announced last week I am going back to school. I have decided to start my course work at my local junior college for a few reasons, it is convenient to where I live, it is cheap to go there (comparatively) and it is a good school. While all those were factors in my decision they were not the main reason I have chosen to return to the JC. This school is one of the places where I feel I have been defeated in the past and I want to get a victory there in order to help build my scholastic confidences.

When I did my first few trips to collage I was there for the wrong reasons: It was what you did after high school, my parents wanted me to go to school and it was better than working full time. However I went in with no real idea of what I wanted to get out of the processes so instead of getting an education I sat in the student lounge and learned to play bridge. Because of this I never left the junior college for a four year school and I have spent my life drifting from jobs that require more training then education. These jobs have left me feeling unsatisfied and rather unworthy of many of the things I want in life.

Now I am going back to school and I am starting were I have faltered before to prove to myself I can win on this battlefield. This time I am coming armored in purpose, armed with a set of goals I wish to achieve and with my life map and personal compass ready to consult should I find myself drifting off course. When I win this battle I know that I will be able to use the momentum I gain from it to bring me to the end of my studies and out the other side to a job I want and can take pride in.

So how can we generalize this tactic? This idea is simple but the execution can be hard or downright scary. Think of a situation that went badly solely based on your action. Now try to recreate that situation and relive it in a positive way. Use the self understanding and growth you have undergone since your defeat to not only take the field again but to win. Part of this process is knowing when to pick the fight, do it on your terms and your own time.

This advice may seem general at first and it is each battle we face will require different tactics but at the same time if we do not choose to refight our old battles then we are left with the defeat. Taking up arms and challenging the events in our lives that have created our negative attitudes will help us create a new positive mind set. If you have any thoughts or questions I would love to hear them in the comments below. Be valiant, be brave and have a great day

Not dwelling

In the past I have advocated analyzing our mistakes and failures so as not to repeat them. There is a flip side to this as well: it is important not to dwell on our defeats. When things start to go bad it is easy to keep saying to one’s self I wish this was not happening to me. When we do this we create a negative mood, a feeling of defeat. This feeling can cause us to fall in to a whirlpool that will drag us away from the solution to our problem. Dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation we create the breeding ground for self defeat. So how do we stop dwelling on the negative?

1. Take stock of what you do have. Focus your thoughts on the tools you have available to change your situation. By doing this you not only start thinking about solutions but you shift your inner gaze from the negative aspects of the situation.

2. Focus on past accomplishments. If you tend to dwell on the negative when you have a quiet moment or when you can't sleep start making a mental list of achievements. When you find yourself starting to dwell on the negative run through your list and find a positive to dwell on. When you do this don't make excuses for your successes. It does not matter if you had help doing something or if the success was the result of another person’s idea it is still your success as well.

3. Look for the opportunity. When plans fall apart and we find ourselves at loose ends it is time to look for the open doors. Life is full of opportunity to change our path but we so often disregard them. When you are dwelling on how bad a situation is look for what it opens up to rather then staring longingly at the things that you are now cut off from.

4. Give despair its moment but no more. Sometimes we have to give in to the regret and negativity. This can be the only way to process it. When this is the case give yourself the time you need to feel down take ten minutes and wallow in self pity but when those ten minutes are up you are done! Now it is time to refocus and make change.

While it is important to look at our past actions to teach ourselves better ways of acting in the future we must not let the past become an anchor for our present. When you catch yourself dwelling on the negative how do you get back on track? Let us know in the comments and have a great day!n the negative how do you get back on track? Let us know in the comments and have a great day!

Failures

I am writing today on subject that scares me. However it is something that I must look at if I want to move forward with changing my life. I have talked about looking back at our mistakes and our defeats and trying to learn lessons from them. Today I will take an example and show you what I mean.

When I was younger and had just been driving for a short period of time, I was late registering my car and received a ticket. Now being young and insolent rather than paying the fine and getting the car registered I got angry. I started saying things like “What right did the government have to make us pay for letting them know we owned something?” I played this game of righteous indignation on martyrdom for many months. This led to my license being suspended and having to go to my folks about a year latter asking for money to get my license back and register my car.

Now looking at this what can I learn about myself? I am stubborn. I knew what I should do but was unwilling to back down from a stupid position. This relates to another weakness of mine I hate to admit when I am wrong or in a position that makes me feel embarrassed. Now in my life map I know that some of my rough terrain is my unwillingness to change things and my habit of trying to cover up things I am ashamed of.

With those bogs and marshes penciled in on my map it is time to move on to sunnier places of my victory.