Letting it go

We have all been hurt, rejected, and mistreated by others and ourselves. These incidents leave scrapes, scares, and bruises on our emotional self that can cripple us on our journey to our happy little valley. We say to our selves that we could get over it if only so an so would apologize or take us back or whatever but the truth of the mater is the only one who can heal these wounds is ourselves.

The way we do this is truly forgiving those that wrong us, weather it is ourselves or another person. Just telling them that we forgive them is not enough we must understand in our harts that we are over the hurt. Easier said then done right? Here are some ideas on how to make forgivnes real.

The past is the past. No matter how much we might wish to be able to change things that have happened in our lives we can't. What is done is done and we can either agonize about the outcome of a situation or we can move on with our lives. If you are dwelling on things that can't change you are doing the mental equivalent of trying to knock down the Parthenon with one hand. You can push all day but in the end nothing will have changed except you will be tired hungry and defeated. It is better to look at the situation pull what lessons you can from it and walk away. Your effort is better spent on the things that can be changed and the lessons we gain from our injuries help us to avoid the same situations in the future.

Let it all out. Some times we hold on to painful memories because we have never talked about them. The burden of emotional pain is sometimes greater then what we can bear on our own but we try because we don't want to be perceived as winy, week or bitchy. Sometimes the best thing to do is sit down with the person who has wronged you and let them know. Do not attack them but just quietly tell them how what they did made you feel. Make them understand that this discussion is not about them it is about you and your feelings on the matter. And then offer them forgiveness for what they have done.

Forgive your self. The ability to forgive ourselves is one of the most important tools we have. We make mistakes, we don't reach the goals we want to, we hesitate and fail to take an opportunity that life present us. If we dwell on the times we have betrayed ourselves we will find ourselves curled up in the fetal position rocking in a corner crying. We must stop pulling out all our old failures and abusing our selves with them when ever we have a dark moment. The only trick I have found that works for this is to apologize to my self and make the commitment to do better in the future. The I accept the apology and move on from there.

The bottom line is that we must focus on what we can change in our lives and not dwell on the things we can not. We must learn from our actions and the actions of others and use this knowledge to create the life we want to live. Let the hurt go, let the emotional strains of the past relax and move on. Turn your face to the sunrise and press on towards that happy little valley.

Standing on the brink

Last night at 12:01 am I took the next step forward with the search for the life I want. I registered for my classes at the junior college. Doing this has made the going back to school idea that much more real for me and I am starting to get nervous and excited about the semester ahead. These are feeling we all deal with every time we start a new project or commit to any big decision in our lives. How we deal with these emotions can play a big part in how well the project turns out in the end.

There are two different emotions and mental states that we need to deal with in this situation: Nervousness and Excitement. The two often go hand in hand but must be dealt with in diffident ways to increase our opportunities for successes.

Let’s start by looking at nervousness. We get nervous when we worry about failing or when we think something will be too hard. It is not enough to just push the nagging worrisome thoughts out of our head and ignore them. Instead we must look at each worry and weigh it on the basses of its rationality. How do we know if a worry is rational or irrational? By knowing ourselves and being aware of our strengthens and our weaknesses. By knowing your self you will know the areas that could become stumbling blocks for you and when the voice of worry is preaching on the same topic then it is time to do something about it. By creating a plan ahead of time to deal with a possible negative situation if it does arise you will not be caught flat footed. Instead of being knocked to the ground and having to pick yourself back up you will be able to side step the problem and keep moving forward to your goal. The other important thing to remember is what I will call Quinn's first rule: "We only fail when we stop trying."


Now to deal with excitement: The excitement of a new endeavor is what takes us from standing on the brink of doing something great in to the actual action of doing it. The downside of excitement is that it where off a few weeks in when everything starts to become work. We need to nurture our excitement and keep rekindling it. Before you start your new project take a moment look at how you feel and capture that moment and feeling in your mind. Then when the hard work starts to bog you down pull out that mental snapshot and embrace that sens of excitement. By keeping your goals tide to your passion relighting the fire of excitement becomes easy. Remember we are doing what we are doing to achieve something we want, something that excites us.

When we are standing on the brink of a large life changing event it is natural to feel exhilarated by what is coming while still being apprehensive. We worry about if things will work out and if we will be able to achieve the things that we have set out to do. We look forward to getting started and making progress. By nurturing the excitement and addressing the worries we greatly increase our ability to succeed.

As always feel free to share your thoughts in the comments below and have a great day.

The hard truths of self improvement

Self improvement, personnel growth or finding your place in the world whatever you call it there are some hard truths we must face when we strive to make conscious changes in our lives. These hard truths force us to question our goals and to push aside the things we want for ourselves. They make us stop and question if the effort is worth it and can cause us to never begin the processes of change in the first place. In our journey to who we want to be these are the fallen trees in out path. By being aware of the obstacles in our way we can make a plan for dealing with them.

Hard truth #1: Change takes time. This is a simple thing to say but easy to forget. We are so encultured to want things to happen now and receive instant gratification. Because of this when our efforts do not show immediate results it is easy to discard the work we have done. We say to ourselves that what we are doing is not working and start trying something else. After trying three or four different things without results we give up feeling that we can't change and that we will always be the way we are.

When you feel this way remember, instant gratification is for candy bars and one night stands. These small bursts of instant pleasure come with consequence that far outweigh the moment of passion. Personnel growth is hard work and hard work takes time. There is no way around it so we must acknowledge the fact and make the effort to change.

Hard truth #2: We fear failing. It is often the threat of failure that stops us from even beginning to change. We may want to, we may need to but if we fear failure more then we value success we will not start. When we fail it reinforces the negative aspects of our own self image. Failure will happen to us all at one point or another important thing is to let it be a stumble rather than a fatal fall. Over at studdy hackes Cal Newport has some thoughts about keeping an exercise routine going but his ideas can be put to any area of self improvement.

But when we mess up and miss some days — which is inevitable — things snowball. Our short-term self argues with our long-term self that because we’ve messed up a little bit, it’s game over, and we can now default to eating poorly and stop exercising altogether.

Hard truth #3: We doubt ourselves. We wonder if the goals we have set for ourselves are relay the life we want. We worry that we will not be able to handle the success we are trying to achieve. The only way to overcome this doubt is to be honest with our selves. Have we chosen a path that is true to our values, dreams, commitments and passions? If we have then we will be happy when we arrive at the end of our journey. If we do the hard work of personnel growth with open eyes and an honest look at our own faults and weakness we will be able to handle the success we are striving for.

These hard truths cannot be ignored if we want to succeed in our search for self improvement. When you are confronted with a difficult situation how do you react? What are the hard truths you face in your quest for personnel growth?

Not dwelling

In the past I have advocated analyzing our mistakes and failures so as not to repeat them. There is a flip side to this as well: it is important not to dwell on our defeats. When things start to go bad it is easy to keep saying to one’s self I wish this was not happening to me. When we do this we create a negative mood, a feeling of defeat. This feeling can cause us to fall in to a whirlpool that will drag us away from the solution to our problem. Dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation we create the breeding ground for self defeat. So how do we stop dwelling on the negative?

1. Take stock of what you do have. Focus your thoughts on the tools you have available to change your situation. By doing this you not only start thinking about solutions but you shift your inner gaze from the negative aspects of the situation.

2. Focus on past accomplishments. If you tend to dwell on the negative when you have a quiet moment or when you can't sleep start making a mental list of achievements. When you find yourself starting to dwell on the negative run through your list and find a positive to dwell on. When you do this don't make excuses for your successes. It does not matter if you had help doing something or if the success was the result of another person’s idea it is still your success as well.

3. Look for the opportunity. When plans fall apart and we find ourselves at loose ends it is time to look for the open doors. Life is full of opportunity to change our path but we so often disregard them. When you are dwelling on how bad a situation is look for what it opens up to rather then staring longingly at the things that you are now cut off from.

4. Give despair its moment but no more. Sometimes we have to give in to the regret and negativity. This can be the only way to process it. When this is the case give yourself the time you need to feel down take ten minutes and wallow in self pity but when those ten minutes are up you are done! Now it is time to refocus and make change.

While it is important to look at our past actions to teach ourselves better ways of acting in the future we must not let the past become an anchor for our present. When you catch yourself dwelling on the negative how do you get back on track? Let us know in the comments and have a great day!n the negative how do you get back on track? Let us know in the comments and have a great day!

The personal compass Part 4: Dreams

When we dream we see the world as we want it to be. Usually when we dream we want things to just happen. However making our dreams real, the very process of changing our lives requires hard work and dedication. While we are in the middle of the hard work we must not forget the dream, instead we must cherish it. If the dream is forgotten we are just toiling for the sake of toil.

While we cherish our dreams we must always remember to be practical in our approach to realizing them, and even in the very nature of the dream itself. If your dream is that someone will hand you $10,000,000,000 it is not likely to happen. A dream of being able to have a productive life with a happy family on the other hand is something we can make happen. That said do not be afraid to dream big audacious dream but when you do make sure they don't rely on some outside force's generosity.

I have the habit of dreaming big, unrealistic, fabulous dreams but the more I look to what I can achieve the more I find my dreams falling in line with reality. My dreams are now moving from a form of escapism and becoming a tool to help me live the life I want. As this happens I find my self dreaming and wishing for things that are attainable. Every dream we turn in to a reality is one leg of our journey completed.

What are your dreams and what are you doing to make them happen? Let me know in the comments and as always have a great day.

* On an unrelated note today is wold AIDS day more info can be found here. Get tested and be safe.

My big news

So a while back I mentioned that I had some things going on in my life that I wanted to share with people in person before I put them on the blog. With thanksgiving over I have seen and talked with the people I wanted to and am ready to share my news with everyone here.

I am going back to school! I will be majoring in journalism, first finishing up some classes at my local junior college and then transferring to SF state to finish my BA. It will be an adventure being back in collage at 37 but this time I am going with a clear focus of what I want to achieve.

A common reaction to this is that journalism is dying. While it is true that traditional print media is having trouble adjusting to the digital age I feel that journalism is on the cusp of a major change. This change I believe will revolutionize the way we interact with data and the way it is provided to us. That said I do not claim to know what the final outcome of this change will be however I do know that I would rather be involved in shaping it then watching from the sidelines.

Being involved in the innovation and development of the new media landscape interests me, but that is not the reason I chose journalism as my new career. The reason for my choice was actually the result of the life mapping process I have been sharing with you. I sat down one day and began listing my strengths and weaknesses; my values, dreams, passions, and commitments. Once this was done I looked at it and began brainstorming ideas that I felt were in line with what I wanted while at the same time were a practical way to make a living.

I did go in to these proses with some preconceptions: I knew I need to change my life and I knew I needed to go back to school. If starting the process with a completely clean slate would have taken me somewhere else I am not sure but I am excited about my return to academia.

Have you made any life changing decisions recently? If so share them with us in the comments. Have a great day.

The personal compass Part 3: Passion

We talked a bit yesterday about channeling your passion in to tasks that we are not passionate about, but how do we know what our passion is? Where do we find it? And most impotently of all how do we use it? Hopefully we are going to try to answer these questions as we talk about the next point on the personal compass.

Our passions are the things that get us exited, that we want to know more about, that we fill our free time with. Our passions are the things that make use happy or that we cannot wait to do when we get a bit of "me time". Christine Hassler at the Huntington Post has this to say about passion:

Webster's defines "passion" as "powerful feeling" and "great enthusiasm." Further definitions include "emotions as distinguished from reason," "suffering," and "anger and rage." Passion is not logical; it does not express itself in tidy, left-brain career steps. Nor is passion easy. The road to passion or "great enthusiasm" may require some "suffering."

Passion may be a struggle and it may cause anger but if we are going to live the lives we want we need to make our passions a part it every day; work without passion is drudgery, relationships without passion are servitude and life without passion is monotone.

So how do we find our passion? Chances are you already know what you are passionate about even if not on a conscious level. Think about this you are in a crowded coffee shop and two people are talking at the next table. They are loud and you can't help overhearing what they are saying. As you sit there waiting for your latte you find yourself caught up in the discussion and then it happens one of them says something that is just plain wrong and you can't let it go. You turn and interrupt. Now my question for you is what were they talking about, what subject could get you to interrupt a total stranger? That is were you passion lies.

In the personnel compass passion is the counterbalance to our values which drive us to make choice based logic, on right and wrong. Passions are the fuel for our desires; they make us crave the things we do. They lead us to make commitments without thinking through the consequences. We need to remain aware as we plot our journey through life to balance out goals with both passion and values, and to make our commitments with the same balance in mind. In doing this we stay on the course we have set four our lives and every day we live this way will draw us closer to the pleasant little valley were we wish to be.

So what is it that you are passionate about, what drives you? Let us know in the comments, and have a great day.

The personal compass Part 1: Values

Now with our life map draw. Now with our failures and victories laid out before us. Now with our rout through the territory of our lives clearly marked it is time to begin plotting our course in to the future. To do this we need to look at our compass to guide us. The north on the compass of our lives is our values. This is the point we alien our lives with and measure everything else against. We must understand what we value and why; or we will follow any cores that is laid before us with no heed for where it may lead.

Most of us take our values for granted; while we make dictions based on what we feel is right we do not take the time to ask the question “why do I think that is right?” To plot a course that brings us where we want to be in the future we must know what we value.

The only way to understand what we value is to look inside our selves. Sit for a few minutes each day and think about what is important to you and why. What holds value for you?

As for me I feel my core values are freedom, honesty and compassion. If the choices I make bring more of these things in to my life and the lives of those around me in am living within my values. I cannot say this enough; know what is important to you and why. These are your values; you must find them inside yourself. Once you have defined your values you can use them to set the other points of your compass.

Failures

I am writing today on subject that scares me. However it is something that I must look at if I want to move forward with changing my life. I have talked about looking back at our mistakes and our defeats and trying to learn lessons from them. Today I will take an example and show you what I mean.

When I was younger and had just been driving for a short period of time, I was late registering my car and received a ticket. Now being young and insolent rather than paying the fine and getting the car registered I got angry. I started saying things like “What right did the government have to make us pay for letting them know we owned something?” I played this game of righteous indignation on martyrdom for many months. This led to my license being suspended and having to go to my folks about a year latter asking for money to get my license back and register my car.

Now looking at this what can I learn about myself? I am stubborn. I knew what I should do but was unwilling to back down from a stupid position. This relates to another weakness of mine I hate to admit when I am wrong or in a position that makes me feel embarrassed. Now in my life map I know that some of my rough terrain is my unwillingness to change things and my habit of trying to cover up things I am ashamed of.

With those bogs and marshes penciled in on my map it is time to move on to sunnier places of my victory.

Life Mapping

To help me decide what I want to get out of life I have begun a process which I call Life Mapping. The idea behind Life Mapping is to sit down and look at where your life is and where it has come from. This process gives us the data to move forward in a positive and controlled fashion. The results of the life mapping process will be a plan for reaching your goals. It will illustrate the pitfalls that stand in your way and point to the easiest path to reach those goals.

The process of personal cartography is not going to be a painless one. This is the time to take out past mistakes and look at them, not to agonize over them but to find what caused you to make bad decisions in the past so that in the future you can avoid making similar errors. By the same token, take a hard look at the victories in your life and see what you did to make those happen. Between these two extremes you will begin to be able to devise the metaphorical terrain of your life.

Once you have the land charted it is time to give yourself direction. The points of the life mapping compass are Values, Desires, Passions, and Commitments. I will be talking more about these ideas tomorrow but for now here is a brief look at each point.

• Values: the concepts and ideas that are important to you
• Dreams: the big picture things you want out of life
• Passions: the things that grab your attention and make you go oh yea that is cool
• Commitments: the tasks that are required of us by our choices or by cultural mandate.

With these things in mind we can begin charting our course into our future by setting goals that are realistic and practical. Goals that will guide us on our journey to the life we wish to have.

The first step

The first step in taking back my life must be to decide what I want it to be. Saying "I want a job I love that can support my family" is fine but it is not specific. What kind of job would I love? What constitutes support? What is family? In order to craft goals that will lead me to the place I want to be it is important to know what that place looks like. Up until now I have drifted through life taking things as they come, which is pleasant for a while but now I have washed up on the shore of my late 30's feeling lost. It is time to find some landmarks and start hiking to where I want to be.

At this moment do I know where that is? No. However I can map the terrain of my life, get my bearings and then begin to look for the place I want to be. But what are the qualities of this happy little valley of contentment I am looking for? For now I will work with these:

• I want a creative job.
• I want to work from home.
• I want to take control of my finances.
• I want to own my own home.
• In four years I want to be in a position to bring a son or daughter in to my family.

As the map of my life comes together I am sure these goals will change. However at the moment these are the things I am looking for. Do you want to be some were else in your life? Sit down and draw the map of the place you want to be. Share it with us here so we can congratulate you as you take the steps to get there.

edited 7/27/2010