Under the hood of the onion

We are onions. Do you know why onions make us cry? There is a chemical reaction that occurs when you break through there layers that creates a weak version of tear gas. So I will say it again we are onions. We put on layers of personality that cover up our root self and when these layers are broken it can cause emotional distress, even tears. The problem with these layers is that they make it harder to see ourselves and they create false stresses in our lives. Now don't get me wrong these layers of self image protects the fragile core of our being from the rough and tumble nature of our world and this is an important and necessary function. However if we are ever to truly change and grow we have to look past our shields and see in to our own hart.

So wear to do these layers come from? I don't want to start a debate over nature and nurture, but I think they both play a role in the building of identity. These layers are constantly shifting, they come from our attitude towards our country, our social circles, sports teams we support, churches we go to hell it can even come from the blogs we read. The layers are the adjectives we use to describe ourselves look at me for example some of my layers are gay, gamer, male, student, liberal, smart cat owner. These are ways I see myself and more importantly ways that I can feel vulnerable when people want to insult me. We get defensive when our layers are challenged; we see this as an attack on who we are.

However these layers are more than just targets for hurt feelings. Think of them as the hood of your car underneath it is yourself awareness that which dives you that bit that makes you human. Without the armor of these layers it would be exposed to the world. Better to set a few targets out to let the world take shots at then to risk damaging the self. Sometimes big events, deaths, births, car accidents blow holes in these layers of protection and we have a life changing event. These are the moments when we see ourselves and start to see the need for change in our lives.

Once this process has begun we can start learning how to lift the hood and work on the engine. This is the process of personnel growth, the process of transforming our lives from what they are to what we want them to be. The trick to lifting the hood and seeing through the layers is introspection. An honest and unrelenting, unflinching look at who we are and why we make the choices we do is the only way we can know our selves. There are many techniques for doing this, some find meditation helps, I prefer writing. The important thing is to find a time a place and a method where you can look at yourself and take an honest assessment of who we are.

To all of you who have, like me, taken upon yourself the labor of becoming a better person, a happier person: congratulations! We are not alone in this. While the work is hard and the road can be long we can do this we can change and make life what we want it to be. Understanding the ways we define ourselves is an important first step and seeing below those definitions is just as important. Have a great weekend and if you agree with me or disagree leave me a comment.

Meet adversity head on

Life will throw you curve balls, it's a given. Sometimes we hit them out of the park and we see them as opportunities. Other times we pick up a strike and move on. Then there are the times that the pitch hits us. What do you do when the random and tumultuous nature of life leaves you hurting, emotionally, physically, and financially? Often times when this sort of trouble comes in to your life the only on you have to count on is yourself and those whose lives are tide to yours, spouses lovers parents and siblings. While this help from outside is nice and useful the most important resource we have is our own attitude in the face of adversity.

The first thing to understand is to make time for grief. Every situation will be different sometimes there is an opportunity for grief and regret out front other times action is needed right away and we must put our feeling aside and get the job done. Either way it is important to understand that grief and sadness are natural and should be allowed to take their course. When we work too hard to push these so called negative emotions out of our lives we create more emotional baggage for ourselves.

When life has hit us with a gut punch it is easy to retreat and curl up in a nice safe place and shut the world out. This does not work; the hardships and bad times in our lives are patient bullies. They are willing to wait outside our door all day and night while we hide in our beds but when we step outside they are ready to take our lunch money once again. Like a bully the problems in our life only go away when we stand up to them. Action is the key to overcoming. As finding the right time to grieve will be different each situation has its own set of actions that need to be taken in order to find resolution.

These actions are not always obvious or clear or easy that is one reason it is important to have a network of support in place. We all must have our trusted advisers, those people who we can turn to who we know have our best interest at hart. This is another key to overcoming hardship we should not do it alone. When we find ourselves in adversity it often times will bruise our ego and we become afraid of what people will think of us if they find out. Those people in your life who love you love you. They want what is best for you and will help you in any way they can. It should be noted here that a true friend will most likely give the help that we need (if they are able) rather than the help that we want. Be grateful for the help that is given whether it was what you asked for or not.

The other key element to overcoming adversity is to learn. Every hard ship and every joy in our lives brings lessons we can learn. We can come to understand ourselves better and we can figure out what we did to contribute to the situation at hand. We can see the things we did or the things we did not do that caused a situation to come in to existence and in the future devise a plan to change our course of action. This is not just a key to overcoming hardship this is a key to growing as a person: learn from your mistakes and your accomplishments in equal measure.

So when life gets ruff and scary take a moment to gather your thoughts, your emotions and stand up to the monsters and beasts in your life. Only through rational, responbul action and the help of good friends can we get through the tuff times.

Not dwelling

In the past I have advocated analyzing our mistakes and failures so as not to repeat them. There is a flip side to this as well: it is important not to dwell on our defeats. When things start to go bad it is easy to keep saying to one’s self I wish this was not happening to me. When we do this we create a negative mood, a feeling of defeat. This feeling can cause us to fall in to a whirlpool that will drag us away from the solution to our problem. Dwelling on the negative aspects of a situation we create the breeding ground for self defeat. So how do we stop dwelling on the negative?

1. Take stock of what you do have. Focus your thoughts on the tools you have available to change your situation. By doing this you not only start thinking about solutions but you shift your inner gaze from the negative aspects of the situation.

2. Focus on past accomplishments. If you tend to dwell on the negative when you have a quiet moment or when you can't sleep start making a mental list of achievements. When you find yourself starting to dwell on the negative run through your list and find a positive to dwell on. When you do this don't make excuses for your successes. It does not matter if you had help doing something or if the success was the result of another person’s idea it is still your success as well.

3. Look for the opportunity. When plans fall apart and we find ourselves at loose ends it is time to look for the open doors. Life is full of opportunity to change our path but we so often disregard them. When you are dwelling on how bad a situation is look for what it opens up to rather then staring longingly at the things that you are now cut off from.

4. Give despair its moment but no more. Sometimes we have to give in to the regret and negativity. This can be the only way to process it. When this is the case give yourself the time you need to feel down take ten minutes and wallow in self pity but when those ten minutes are up you are done! Now it is time to refocus and make change.

While it is important to look at our past actions to teach ourselves better ways of acting in the future we must not let the past become an anchor for our present. When you catch yourself dwelling on the negative how do you get back on track? Let us know in the comments and have a great day!n the negative how do you get back on track? Let us know in the comments and have a great day!

Being Thankfull for Adversity

This thanksgiving you will be bombarded with reminders to be thankful for what you have and lists of things people are thankful for. While it is important to remember how good we have it, thankfulness can be a powerful tool in other ways. Being thankful has the ability to change our mood, bringing with it clarity and calmness. One important time to be thankful is when we are facing adversity.

When times are rough it is hard; things do not go the way we played. It becomes easy to be bitter. I encourage you in times like these to set the bitterness aside and look for the lessons you can learn. By seeing what adversity can teach us and learning the lessons while in the midst of tribulation we can begin to cultivate an attitude of thankfulness even while we are caught in the maelstrom.

By creating this attitude of thankfulness we can find the calm to deal without hardships and the clarity to see the solutions for our problems. So I exhort you to be aware of the lessons you can learn from the trials you go through in your life and be thankful for them.

Have a great thanksgiving, be good to those around you and have a great day.